Entah sejak kapan. Saya baru tiga tahun lulus dari kuliah. Belum sampai 3 lebaran lalu saya masih pakai jeans belel, kaos dekil, dan rambut gondrong karena keramas seminggu sekali. Dan sekarang saya merasa kok saya tua banget ya.
Apalagi sebulan terakhir, 2 minggu sebelum lebaran terutama. It was the most stressed out i had been in my young adult life. It is borderline unhealthy. And i apologize to friends and coworkers who bear the effect if any of you read this.
Between impossible work load, self expectation of spare time, difference regarding professional direction of my workplace that i cant change,the feeling that i am too young and too soon to be involved at all of that, and my inability to grow beard (seriously, i think having a beard is cool but no matter what i try i cant never grow a beard without looking like a goat) i just want to shrugs the responsiblity if allowed.
So the holiday cant come soon enough. I might not do anything this holiday other than take care of myself better. But this time off is putting things into perspective.
Bahwa dari semua kesulitan dan kepanikan itu, setelah dibawa tidur dan dipikirkan dengan lebih tenang, adalah semacam reality check di kehidupan dewasa saya yang baru tiga tahun ini. Meskipun sebelumnya saya sempat berpikir bodoh untuk lari dari tanggung jawab dan berpikir untuk kuliah lagi hanya untuk menunda jadi dewasa. Meskipun saya sempat merasakan kalau terlalu terikat dengan kecemasan di masa yang akan datang itu tidak sepadan dengan mengorbankan kebahagiaan di masa sekarang.
Yang waktu itu saya harapkan adalah, di usia saya yang mungkin baru sepertiga masa hidup, (usia harapan hidup Indonesia kata BPS terakhir itu 69 tahun) saya sudah menemukan apa yang akan saya lakukan di sisa umur saya. Tapi ternyata Enggak. Sama sekali belum. Sejauh ini cita-cita saya Cuma satu , dan itupun sama sekali ga kongkrit : to provide for my wife and kids so they can have a good life. Saya ga punya tuh apa yang namanya career vision. It doesnt take a genius to see that from my education background and career of choice that i wasnt planning my life meticulously.
And i convince myself, i am entitled to be confused and worried.
But this time off, i spent a lot of time talking with my parent who know much about being young and confused and still manage to get by. I also caught up with my friends which have different fate but same confusion.
What i understand is , one third of man’s life is actually a short amount of time. Imagine our whole lifespan as one day. The day start at 12AM while we sleeping. And we dont do much until we wake up at 5am, or 6am for you lazy sleepyhead. Thats like a quarter of your day goes by without you doing anything. Just like our childhood when we are not capable of doing things.
Then we wake up, we make our bed. We prepare for the day. Take a bath , have breakfast, plan your day out on to do list. We do that until 6.30 am or 7.am. Convert it to our life span. 7/24 multiply by 69 years old. Thats 20 Years Old. Usia dimana kita lulus kuliah.
And we step out of comfort our home to make our way to work. Anxious about how the day would turn out. Just like me now. But we wont work until it is 8am. It is at 8AM that we actually start our day. Dan ternyata, setelah saya hitung, Jam 8 itu adalah... setara dengan usia 23 tahun. Usia saya sekarang. Oke bohong, itu usia saya tahun lalu. Tapi ya kadang jam 8 juga kita ga langsung kerja kan. Ada sih karyawan teladan yang langsung sibuk. Tapi bukan beberapa dari kita juga beli sarapan dulu, dandan dulu, atau bikin kopi dulu. Ujung-ujungnya baru mulai juga 8.30 kan.
And we work until afternoon, lets say until 6 pm. Dan di situ umur kita adalah 52 Tahun. Saat dimana beberapa orang sudah pulang, meski ada juga yang masih lembur. Before we ride into sunset of old age and retirement.
Point is, what am i worrying about? I am just 8 am into life. The day has barely just begun. I still have the whole day long before i go home and enjoy the night.
This whole things of worrying about future, hopefully is just process. And i would like to think that with the whole day ahead of me, i still have bigger margin of error to mess something up. And in midday, 12AM, that is 34 years old in our life clock i might re evaluate what i have done this morning and wonder why am i worried in the first place and start to look forward to go home again.
I really dont know how, but i am sure i will sort things out. Just not now. Now, i am just finished my coffee and just only starting to do my work.
Note : i am sorry for this writings is allover the place and kinda butchered the language with bilingual here and there. But currently it is 12am and tomorrow is first day of work so kinda acceptable to not be able to edit it out.
Also i want rhis one to be as raw as possible so i just leave it without editing
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