life might get to you

it can be better.

these hour, these split second perhaps, is dangerous time. While i was dealt with being home alone since i was capable of reading something longer than 2- paged short story, but i can never get used to it. It feel even emptier now. maybe the house that get bigger, or it is me getting smaller. it have its perks though, since i can take a dump with door open so the wi-fi can get through the bathroom.

Maybe it is the time to have some celebration. I can use some celebration, too. It almost new year. It is the end of a bad semester, and the end of even worse year. So no celebration then? i can not celebrate the end of plant design course since i do nothing on that course. i can not celebrate the end of my year as SBE president since i also do nothing. I can not celebrate the fact that i turned my back on people. on friends. simply because i am too unwilling to get anything done. i don't deserve celebration. But maybe i still will celebrate,

But, it is humane to never get satisfied. I used to feel i was undeserving for things i have, but i also feel deserve more than what i have. it seems my thought process is rigged and paradoxical. needs are paradoxical.

i felt embarassed for every cent i received from mom, which i accepted anyway since i couldnt live without it anyway. i loathed myself for every minutes i spent on sleeping while i should be on class, i count with shame every night wasted in campus with when it could be wasted in my living room. yet i felt i deserved better grades, i deserved better relationship with people, i deserved more glorious CV, i felt i deserved not have to ask what i need and everyone could guess.

Maybe it is just the home-alone effect but i feel i have nowhere to go now though. the home is not homey in this current state. it will be as it is perhaps for a week or so. But, still i feel like it is the right thing to turn on everybody because of i don't feel i deserved to be part of anything, but i don't feel i deserved to be this unaccessible.

I tried to do so much and yet failed at all. The thought of shoot at anything in sight, one of those will hit is never been any false. i guess you can not have your cake while eat it too. You cannot help everyone, you are the one who needs help if you ever think of that.

But for all that have been done. it is more entertaining to have thought of " why was i doing that " than " what would be" . it is a temporary blip, i had worse. certainly will back in my feet in some times.