Judul Skripsi, Kegelisahan, dan Kebakuan berpikir

Sudah lama sekali tidak berbagi cerita lewat tulisan di media ini. Saya sibuk nampaknya. Baiklah, biar yang saya ceritakan bisa jadi cerita, makanya sekarang saya mau cerita sesuatu. Agak ga penting sih, tapi emang cerita saya pernah penting?

Iya, saya tidak suka dengan para fundies, theological-fundies. Menurut saya mereka adalah orang-orang bigot, one-track minded, yang perilakunya kayak pupil kalo kata Wendel Holmes. Makin disenterin makin kontraksi. Tau pupil kan yah. Abis kalo denger kontraksi bayanginnya perut doang sih. Dasar ai kamu teh.

Ga tau sejak kapan tidak sukanya, tapi dengan cara saya mendeskripsikan mereka, kayaknya saya udah jadi bigot juga sih. Makanya abis baca-baca ini, baca-baca blog mereka yah, biar berimbang. Soalnya saya ga nulis buat tvone, jadi ga harus berimbang. Eh tv one juga ga berimbang ya. *Namedropping mulu, dasar ga tau malu.

Yang sabar, tulisan saya memang banyak retorika. Tapi substansinya, beugh, ga ada.

life might get to you

it can be better.

these hour, these split second perhaps, is dangerous time. While i was dealt with being home alone since i was capable of reading something longer than 2- paged short story, but i can never get used to it. It feel even emptier now. maybe the house that get bigger, or it is me getting smaller. it have its perks though, since i can take a dump with door open so the wi-fi can get through the bathroom.

Maybe it is the time to have some celebration. I can use some celebration, too. It almost new year. It is the end of a bad semester, and the end of even worse year. So no celebration then? i can not celebrate the end of plant design course since i do nothing on that course. i can not celebrate the end of my year as SBE president since i also do nothing. I can not celebrate the fact that i turned my back on people. on friends. simply because i am too unwilling to get anything done. i don't deserve celebration. But maybe i still will celebrate,

But, it is humane to never get satisfied. I used to feel i was undeserving for things i have, but i also feel deserve more than what i have. it seems my thought process is rigged and paradoxical. needs are paradoxical.

i felt embarassed for every cent i received from mom, which i accepted anyway since i couldnt live without it anyway. i loathed myself for every minutes i spent on sleeping while i should be on class, i count with shame every night wasted in campus with when it could be wasted in my living room. yet i felt i deserved better grades, i deserved better relationship with people, i deserved more glorious CV, i felt i deserved not have to ask what i need and everyone could guess.

Maybe it is just the home-alone effect but i feel i have nowhere to go now though. the home is not homey in this current state. it will be as it is perhaps for a week or so. But, still i feel like it is the right thing to turn on everybody because of i don't feel i deserved to be part of anything, but i don't feel i deserved to be this unaccessible.

I tried to do so much and yet failed at all. The thought of shoot at anything in sight, one of those will hit is never been any false. i guess you can not have your cake while eat it too. You cannot help everyone, you are the one who needs help if you ever think of that.

But for all that have been done. it is more entertaining to have thought of " why was i doing that " than " what would be" . it is a temporary blip, i had worse. certainly will back in my feet in some times.

jalan jalan itu menyenangkan lanjutan

lagipula pada akhirnya semuanya akan merepotkan. itu resiko. toh kita juga akan jadi merepotkan. fitrah kita merepotkan. dan fitrah juga direpotkan. pada akhirnya sakit hati dan kecewa memang mekanisme pertahanan diri, vaksin, terhadap pengabaian nurani.
kalau semua orang merepotkan tinggal pilih yang mana yang kerepotannya layak untuk kita repotkan. dan kemudian kita bisa menatap setan pada kedua bola matanya sambil bilang " nurani saya belum mati"

Jalan Jalan itu Menyenangkan

Sayangnya sudah menjadi gaya hidup yang berat, bahwa menuntut itu pantang. jadilah harapan ini tertahan di kerongkongan. (seandainya ada cara lain untuk bilang). Jadilah ketika menelan ludah harapan itu terbawa, dengan gerakan peristaltik menuju gastrovaskuler. tetapi berakhir di paru-paru, mengonsumsi ruang yang harusnya buat udara. pantas saja akhir-akhir ini gampang ngos-ngosan (jadi ini rasanya merokok). sudahlah disamarkan saja harapan-harapan tadi. 

tapi Jangan-jangan tanpa sadar jantungku mendetakkan narasi harapan tadi. aku jadi tidak enak kalau dia dengar harapanku dan menganggapnya beban. untungnya bising macet menelan suara ambien.

Tapi macet kan hening.

kita hidup di garis waktu dengan tak hingga kemungkinan. tapi dimensi dimana aku berakhir sama kamu yang pastiny menyenangkan itu kok getas dan jarang. seperti rempeyek udang.

One Art Revisited

This is one of the first english literacy i read. simple, multi-intepretation, powerful, unique structure 

One Art by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intentto be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.
—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.